I have had some bad Christmases before - haven't we all - but I think this year takes the biscuit.
How does it happen? Is it because our expectations are too high? Probably. Mine certainly are. Despite over 50 years evidence to the contrary I approach each Christmas with delight, anticipation etc etc.
I then proceed to get myself into a complete frazzle, busy at work, busy trying to think of and find time to buy presents, worrying about the money, worrying about who should be invited to what, worrying about how my voice can stay OK for the carol services and choir concerts i sing in, trying not to worry about whether the kids will be home or not ... I could go on and on.
The year my husband's father had died was a bad Christmas, and the one after my own father died. The year I knew we were going to separate at New Year was horrendous. The year after even worse, even though the kids were with me. The first year my children were away staying at their dad's over Christmas and my mother and I were on our own and went out for Christmas dinner for the first time in our respective lives was spectacularly bad. (Although I confess to enjoying a brief time that evening of peace and drunken contentment on my own ...)
However, this year tops them all.
I admit I was stressed and exhausted before it all started. I had worked hard; done extra freelance work in the days off I'd planned to do Christmas shopping and baking in; rehearsed and sung in a Christmas concert in the week before Christmas because my fiance (who's a choir director)said he needed me to - even though I don't sing with that choir normally; I organised a big 30th anniversary reunion dance the week before Christmas for the band I used to play in (had to play too of course - and organise the big get-together lunch the next day); had to collect grown up kids from the station and then ferry them around over Christmas (including Christmas Eve - late).. coped with a panic attack of one of my children the week before Christmas, when they also said they hated my partner/fiance and he and me were a huge problem to them ... and then on Christmas Day - mother and auntie and others all being catered for, the aforementioned offspring decided to go off in tears - me in hot pursuit of course.
We spent Christmas afternoon closeted in a bedroom 'talking'. I learn I am the worst mother in the world and have spent 22 years being so!! All my failings in understanding, and indeed my success in destroying self esteem, favouring other sibling, not valuing anything about said child - all came out. This as well as the hate for my fiance, who has apparently changed me, for the worse, into a wholly despicable person.
I descended from the bedroom eventually to find everyone else doing the dishes, so at least something good came out of the traumatic session upstairs. Eventually the misunderstood person came downstairs (we had been waiting, and waiting, and waiting ... so we could get on with opening presents) and all seemed to resume OK. Until the evening.
Another heaving burst of emotion welled up - this time in the living room, so fiance and sibling tactfully disappeared to upstairs rooms ... for hours. More of the same, I'm afraid. By now the self-esteem problem had transferred to me... I found myself apologising for 22 years of being a bad mother, a wicked person and someone who brought evil men into the house who made me into a changeling. I was perhaps a little upset, as you might imagine. Partner was furious, feeling sidelined and threatened.
The next day ... children elsewhere, living it up with their friends, overnight ... partner and I fall out over time given to offspring and my listening too much to offspring's views. I find a huge chasm has opened up between us, prised open by loving child, through which all my doubts about our forthcoming nuptuals erupt. Through night we get up, argue, cry, implore, hurt (and oh yes, Boxing Day is his birthday too: so Happy Birthday - NOT!) All my doubts and fears about being married again, and how we will accommodate the many differences between us bubble up to the surface and whether darling offspring had intended it or not (hmmm ... maybe a last ditch attempt to come between us?)we were in the throes of accusation and counter-accusation and wronging and being wronged to the nth degree.
The next morning (Dec 27th) I give him back the engagement ring, crying, and said I cannot possibly marry him. He blames offspring - who blames him for ruining her life (or was that me, with him as an accomplice?) - and he goes off into the frozen morning to his flat 20 miles away hugely upset and in shock.
Now, many emails (some vitriolic, some appeasing) a couple of walks and very, very long and navel gazing talks later I still don't know where we are. We're talking, I've said I'll reflect on what we've said. I've not said I've closed the door .. BUT, I have doubts: I don't want to alienate my child but I don't want to hurt my partner, despite having very real doubts about our ability to adjust to living with each other (hell - it's 15 years or more since I lived with a man full time!)
Happy Christmas? I think not. Worst ever? By a long chalk.
(Season of good will: I wish!)
Can anyone top that? I would be interested to hear if anyone has had a worse Christmas than that outlined above.